New monsters: enough with the vampires and zombies

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November 14, 2011 by agooddaytoyou

I’m sick of zombies and vampires.

Once they were cool lenses on the world. They did what all the best monsters do, create a bogeymen of our own traits: in this case conformity and sex, respectively.*

If we’ve had enough of feeling guilt and fear over conformity and sex, lets’s have some new monsters.

Wayscarers: Invisible and unfathomable, these entities are imprisoned on roads, tracks and paths. You’ve already encountered them. You know those random warm patches of air in the street at night? That’s them waiting for a ride.

They can never leave the ‘way’ and they need to travel – no one knows why. They wait for a car with empty seats to stop (often at a red light) and silently they climb in through open windows or aircon ducts. Preferring big car, they then make themselves comfortable and ride with you. Apparently, they watch how you drive very carefully.

The only way to get rid of them is to intentionally check the seats: though invisible, wayscarers are paranoid about being seen. If you look for them they leave your car immediately … sometimes leaving a slightly warm seat.

Funnymoney: Did you know $1 out of every $666 is a parasitic virus? The Funnymoney virus’s effect is to colonise parts of your brain relating to selfishness and value. In low doses the virus is weak and can be cured by generosity.

Funnymoney works by breaking into your brain and depositing infectious notions that value is a number. As it is programmed to colonise, it makes you greedy for more money – of which each 666th dollar is another virus cell.

It spreads through the transfer of money. Purchases of things that are more expensive than they need to be – such as prestige goods – are the most efficient mode of transmission.

A serious infection can alter a person to the degree that they are completely in thrall to the virus – their reasoning functions are completely derailed by the parasite. These people will do anything at all to propagate the colony in their brain. Simply, they’ll do anything to get more money.

You can tell who’s infected by how greedy they are and the things they buy. Things that cost more than they should and which are flashily displayed are almost a guaranteed sign.

Confriend: By day a tiny intangible being who rides on your back whispering insults directly into your brainwaves, intercepting and feeding on the positive self-image and confidence brainwaves you should rightly have.

By night they grow, becoming solid and visible. They are beautiful and well-dressed – magnetically alluring through a charisma spell based on sexual darkness and danger.

They hit the town looking for one night stands, submissive people, lonely people or fuck-buddies from whom they can steal more confidence through creating regret and self-loathing.

Zealossi: in some ways the worst of the lot. These fourth dimensional aliens compel you and your friends to hold illogical beliefs about things. They turn your friends and family from the loving people you know into some sort of reactive hateabbott.

They work by listening to our conversations for signs of accord and agreement, then a zealossus will subtly, almost tangentially, drop in a divisive topic. Before you know it, you are ready to fight. You ears aren’t working correctly, your pulse is pounding: for your heart has turned against your head. You try not to say certain things, not to defend something you know isn’t quite right. But you are helpless, you lash out, you cause psychic pain, your illogical view grows firmer.

At their worst the zealossi can lead us into horrendous acts. Wars. Genocides. Christmas Carols.

Trying to fill the world with dissent, hurt and confusion, the zealossi want to stop us from achieving intellectual empathy – for then we would transcend them. They’ve been doing very well with us for thousands of years.

*Yes, I know vampires began more as straight-up darkness-lurkers, and zombies as a weird side-effect of certain Voodoo practises. This is what they have become as modern bogeymen.

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